Thursday, July 10, 2008

Dead Like Me

First of all.... I've seen three episodes and I really like this show and I look forward to watching more. I think it's important to state that fact before I continue.

Grief is an odd little duck! It messes with your mind, your heart, and your soul. Here it is 6 plus years after Megan's death and it still hits me sometimes so hard it feels like yesterday. Last night I watched this show and it hit me so hard it felt like my heart was breaking in two. It seems like such a contradiction sometimes because how do I know if my amazing children would be here if she had lived. I wouldn't know what I was missing but life is so weird. I feel like I'm somehow belittling the gift of Ephraim and Ruby when I feel such despair and crave with every part of me that I could hold Megan in my arms again. What would she be like as a little 6 year old. I look at Eph and Ruby and try and imagine and I just can't see it. That hurts. I still visit the MISS website to this day. I read of others who have lost their children and are all in varying places on this journey. Sometimes I feel I should move to the advanced group. Like somehow it's time for me to be there and that I'm failing at grief by still visiting the newly bereaved group. I try and force myself to stick to the Adoption Option because that's where I feel like I can contribute my support. The rest of the time I just wonder and feel lost. I hate that there are so many of us on the site and reading of each new baby but in a sick way it makes me feel so much less alone. 6 years and I'm still lost. I think of her often, I have her picture up at my desk, my tattoo is right there on my arm allowing me to talk about her, and yet it's never enough. The only thing that will ever make it better is to have her back in my arms and I can only hope for Eph, Ruby, and Judy's sake that that is a long long long time from now.

No comments: