Happy Birthday Mama!

Well, I'm the big OLD 33 now. I am more excited about life than I have ever been before. My birthday wish for this year is to simply continue to live my life as it is now. There are manageable ups and downs and days that of course could stand to go without repetition. However, I am truly content and happy with my life. What a wonderful realization. There are wants of course (who wouldn't want a MILLION DOLLARS). They are just wants. My needs are met. I have amazing friends, beautiful children, a loving family, and a perfect partner (not that she's actually perfect, she's perfect to me). I look forward to this year and hope that my wish comes true.

My Real Life

This is my life and it is GOOD! Yes, Martha, it's a "good thing". It has ups and downs, it's not perfect if you want to get all technical. I could use more money, less work, laundry that washes itself, and 50 pounds to magically jump off my body. With the understanding that life isn't perfect and that's what makes it life I can say that my life has turned into something down right amazing!

Dead Like Me

First of all.... I've seen three episodes and I really like this show and I look forward to watching more. I think it's important to state that fact before I continue.

Grief is an odd little duck! It messes with your mind, your heart, and your soul. Here it is 6 plus years after Megan's death and it still hits me sometimes so hard it feels like yesterday. Last night I watched this show and it hit me so hard it felt like my heart was breaking in two. It seems like such a contradiction sometimes because how do I know if my amazing children would be here if she had lived. I wouldn't know what I was missing but life is so weird. I feel like I'm somehow belittling the gift of Ephraim and Ruby when I feel such despair and crave with every part of me that I could hold Megan in my arms again. What would she be like as a little 6 year old. I look at Eph and Ruby and try and imagine and I just can't see it. That hurts. I still visit the MISS website to this day. I read of others who have lost their children and are all in varying places on this journey. Sometimes I feel I should move to the advanced group. Like somehow it's time for me to be there and that I'm failing at grief by still visiting the newly bereaved group. I try and force myself to stick to the Adoption Option because that's where I feel like I can contribute my support. The rest of the time I just wonder and feel lost. I hate that there are so many of us on the site and reading of each new baby but in a sick way it makes me feel so much less alone. 6 years and I'm still lost. I think of her often, I have her picture up at my desk, my tattoo is right there on my arm allowing me to talk about her, and yet it's never enough. The only thing that will ever make it better is to have her back in my arms and I can only hope for Eph, Ruby, and Judy's sake that that is a long long long time from now.

Camping As A "Family"

It is times like this weekend that I realize how extraordinary our family is. We confuse people with the number of Mom's we have and there has yet to be a standard form with enough spaces for us all. However, I can't explain what it's like when we come together and do things together with our kids. We each have strengths and weakness that overlap and form this completely awesome family. We managed to change our plans for the 4th of July weekend at the last minute and through some totally amazing teamwork by Judy and Jen we were able to pull off a camping trip. They did a great job getting us packed and finding us a spot in the Mt. Hood forest outside Estacada. Courtney, Ephraim, Ruby, and I followed as soon as we were done with work and swimming. We had a great spot right along the river between Harriet and Timothy lakes. The kids ran around like crazy and had so much fun. On Friday we hung around the camp and played. Ephraim lost his first tooth in the morning when we tried to tie a dental floss lasso around it like Dr. Roxas had suggested. He was so excited. He's been patiently waiting for the tooth fairy to come. Later in the day after naps and chilling out we had some dinner and got ready to go into Estacada for fireworks. We arrived just as the fireworks started and managed to score a front row seat by double parking in the high school parking lot. It was great. We pulled in and got out and stood next to the car. Watched the fireworks and then hopped in and drove away. We purchased a few fireworks to set off with the kids and then had a nice drive home. Today we took the packing slow after taking a morning trip to lake Harriet and letting Baxter go for a morning swim. We had planned to take the kids to "Bagbean" but when we got there the parking lot was full. Judy and I looked at the map and scouted out a small lake that looked like we could have fun with as an alternate. It was a great adventure but there was definitely NO SWIMMING! We are happy to be home. Everyone is so tired. I look forward to our next adventure.

Is it Genetic or a Choice?

You might think this is the proverbial question of gayness? Nope. I could care less. Live your life. I have a much bigger and far more controversial question. Is it a learned behavior that we keep throwing the Mexican under the bus or were we just born that way? There is no politically correct answer here so give up now. I'm just a little curious how exactly my children have decided that Judy has to do everything. When you fart.... blame Judy. When you don't want to clean your room, offer to supervise Judy doing it. I mean really people???? It's a little scary. Now we all know that really this is because she's the newest member of the family and all but it's kinda funny that they didn't volunteer me. A scary thought just came to me as I was typing. Maybe it's because at age 6 my Son already has it figured out that I, his Mama, need a supervisor of my own to get things done. Nah.....that can't be it. I mean after all who was the one out in the fields last night picking 3 times the strawberries and not eating them on a pick one to eat one ratio. Now Judy was totally standing there bitching about the white girls always dragging her out to the fields to pick the crops closest to the ground. She was also pointing out obvious strawberries I should pick with her foot. Damn... I do need supervision. This is so not how I intended this entry to go. It was supposed to be some introspective examination of our culture and it just turned into the realization that I need to face facts and rejoice in my full time supervisor! Thanks Judy! Job well done!!!!